Heads and Tails, The Art of Compromise

Heads and Tails, The Art of Compromise

by Chanell Smith ♥ 0 Leave a Comment
kevar-whilby-30910-unsplash (1)
Photo by Kevar Whilby on Unsplash

We have all been told that we are supposed to play a certain role in relationships. These roles usually are gender related and are defined within the context of our culture.  Unfortunately these defined roles have become extremely outdated and less relevant in this day and age.  Don’t get me wrong, both men and women have major contributing roles in any relationship. The last time I checked men still can’t have babies and women are not physically strong as men, in most cases anyway. I’m all for women empowerment, but I’m never one to say I don’t need a man. My fear of spiders, weak upper body strength and oh, yeah those poor math skills have definitely made my husband worth his weight in gold.

However, decisions about money, the household, parenting, religion and lifestyle in general require a significant amount of compromise. Therefore, anyone choosing to be in a lasting relationship must master the art of heads and tails. This means knowing when to lead and when to follow. While this may sound very simple, it’s not always that easy. You can find comfort in knowing that you do not need to have all the answers and that someone else may actually have a better idea or way of doing something. It is a continuum of shifting roles. No one can be stuck in one role too long before things become disastrous. A good head, for lack of a better term knows how to navigate between taking the lead and knowing when to take a back seat. An individual who constantly chooses to be a tail, for fear of being blamed for a non favorable outcome, or simply lack of leadership abilities, will eventually find themselves feeling resentful for not taking an active role in the decision-making process on various matters throughout the course of the relationship. It almost becomes a subconscious sabotage, secretly wanting the other person to fail in order to get some twisted satisfaction for always choosing to be at the tail end of things. Tails tend to standby and wait for things to unravel then place the entire blame on the one who has chosen to be the eternal head.

I truly encourage everyone to take some time to understand the importance of leading and following in relationships. If not you may find yourself being a “Petty Betty”. Instead opt to embrace the concept of heads and tails with open honesty and support for both failures and successes.

I once knew two tails that watched each other spiral through one bad decision after the other, blaming each for the circumstances of the relationship. For years, no one could or would take the lead on anything. They had financial problems, lack of family structure in the home, parenting conflicts and even issues with infidelity. Until a series of events ultimately ended their relationship and they did not understand why it didn’t work, they loved each and that should have been enough, right? The answer is, hell no! Two tails could never work in any relationship, or two continuous heads for that matter, whether  its in marriage , friendship or business.

Again, no one has all the answers. If you want to be successful and grow your relationships, know that is so very important to slowly develop a healthy level of trust and let your partner take the lead, in some cases. In turn, you will have to step up and take the lead, even when you may be a little unsure about the situation. Remember this is the person you chose and it must be something that you thought was pretty smart about them in the first place. Remember heads and tails are not necessarily driven by gender or even by financial contribution, it is a swinging pendulum of ideas. It takes two people to make the relationship work, so it takes two to actively participate.

Hello, Meet my Representative

Hello, Meet my Representative

by Chanell Smith ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

So you have met, started dating or even fell in love with someone from a different cultural background. They are so very interesting and you find yourself learning something new everyday. In this quest of discovery not only are you intrigued and excited, you may often feel somewhat perplexed by some of the contrasting aspects.

When I met my husband, who is from the Caribbean, I was more than willing to learn about his culture. Since it was his choice to move to America, I assumed that he was equally interested in learning about mine in return. However, I soon came to find that learning about someone’s culture does not constitute a willingness to assimilate or accept certain things. No matter were you live, your faith, culture, language and traditions are things that make you unique, it makes you the person you are. So the idea of compromising them, even for love is a big sacrifice.

While, I knew the person I was dating was an individual and saw me as such, not defined by our national ethnicity, I still felt as if I had to work against some stereotypes. I examined and re-examined my authentic self. Perhaps I did fall into some of his preconceived notions about African American women. I had some of my “sister girl” attitude on deck and it was only a matter of time before she showed herself. Then I thought, just maybe he fell into some of my preconceived notions about Jamaican men. The “crazy” on his end, was perhaps brewing under the surface waiting for me to cross him in some way, so it could also make its grand entrance.

In any relationship, it takes time for the real you to shine through. The first few months are simply your “representative” putting your best face forward. Things don’t really bother your representative, they are always willing to be so accommodating. They seem to always muster up a hearty giggle even to the stalest jokes. They have the best manners and always remember to flush.

So when cultural diversity comes into play your representative has to really step their game up. For example, they shouldn’t ask someone to repeat the same thing too many times, even when they still don’t understand, after asking twice. Oh, and please do not under any circumstances turn your nose up at one of those traditional dishes that has an especially unique texture smell or taste. However, from my experience your representative has to have a shorter life when you step into this arena of complexity, that is if truly want to overcome barriers that could inhibit your ability to understand and embrace someone vastly different.

There are definitely few things to keep in mind as you start this journey. First take time to embrace things that make you unique. Explain to your partner and loved ones the importance of key things from your cultural environment. These things will be major factors that contribute to maintainng and growing your relationship over time. You will ultimately find that you cannot move forward operating under one or the other’s cultural norms, but you will need to create your own, that’s a combination of the two.

Communicate your needs and beliefs are on a continuous basis. Do not assume that the other person knows or even understands things about your culture. Things that may be common knowledge to you are not necessary common knowledge for the other person. Help them to understand the reasons behind certain traditions, foods or religious beliefs.

Understand that language is very personal and intimate. If language or dialect creates barriers, work to help the other person better comprehend your intent, which may not always come across smoothly. It is very important not to be dismissive, when language falls short in communicating your message.

Drop the stereotypes! Most people may believe that they are above stereotyping and prejudices. I’m here to tell you, they are not. Even if your stereotypical view is positive, it may not be true. Making generic assumptions can hinder the cohesion of your relationship. Each person is an individual and as in any relationship, stay away from generalities. Get to know the person, their background, ideas, views and dreams. You may be surprised by what you find out if you take time to ask.

Intercultural Relationships

Intercultural Relationships

by Chanell Smith ♥ 2 Comments

adult business close up friendship

Relationships can come with a host of challenges, especially when they reach across cultural lines. As society continues to change, we find ourselves interacting and becoming more integrated with others from various cultures. As people continue to migrate across the world, the melting pot continues to expand. It is only natural that the rate of romantic relationships among people from different backgrounds are on the rise. Remember that culture can affect various everyday facets of the relationship. Things like what’s for dinner, celebrating holidays to major decisions like how to your raise children. I seriously encourage those who are in or thinking about being in an intercultural relationship to have those conversations that may initially make you a little uncomfortable, it will pay off in the long run. Besides it will equip with the tools to combat those who may not fully accept or doubt that your relationship can stand the test of time. Once the novelty wears off with being intrigued by someone who is so different you do not want to be caught off guard, with being forced to face difficult conversations about issues that may actually be deal breakers.

You may have romanticized about how love can conquer all and when you are truly “in love” the only thing that matters is what you have in common. You feel as if your love or care for another can transcend color and any cultural divides. While that may be the driving force for your continued commitment, it would be very naïve to expect that to be enough to sustain your relationship. I remember thinking exactly like this when my intercultural relationship started.

My husband is Jamaican and I am American, two contrasting cultures to say the least. I found myself so very intriqued by the essence of him. So very different but there couldn’t be anything that wasn’t fabulous. Well that’s how most relationships start. One small example was the sound of his voice, his Jamacian accent was so very sexy and interesting. I thought I could listen to his voice forever, it’s nothing that I didn’t absolutely love about it. Fastfoward 8 years later and while I still love that voice, may ability to always understand it has created some barriers along that way. Besides it doesn’t sound that romantic in heated converstations about real life issues or even petty ones. I remember once we agreed to go on a diet in attempt to drop a few pounds in preparation for our wedding. Two weeks in, I was so hungry, craving sugar and carbs. He was trying to tell me about his day on a dreaded trip to the gym, when I actually said, please stop talking the accent is just to much right now. We laughed so hard about it after the fact but at the time it didn’t seem that funny, it may have even come across kind of rude. I said that to say, that even the things that seem so wonderful in the beginning take some getting use too from both sides.

Intercultural differences are a real topic of conversation and worth exploring if want your relationship to be successful or improve your family dynamics. The word culture can encompass a vast amount of differences in society. Race, ethnicity, religion, genetic makeup, age, gender identity, sexual orientation, disability, region of origin or any other factor that makes you different can create obstacles to overcome in relationships and make it difficult to navigate family dynamics. Whether you are in an intercultural relationship, know someone who is or thinking about sharing your life with someone vastly different, please know that it is okay to feel somewhat overwhelmed or confused by all the differences. However, with time and effort you quickly learn that what makes you different does not need to divide you but can bring you closer.

Follow my blog to find out more about redefining culture in relationships and families.